Here Caleigh is at 4 months and 5 days old. Her liver numbers were beyond high at this point. I believe her bili was 13. She was such a sick baby. Her skin was yellow, her eyes were yellow. I loved the outfit in this photo, but everyone told me it made her skin look so bad. Well, yeah, it was bad. Mustard green on a yellow baby is definitely a fashion fopa.
I love this photo though. It's one of the few pictures that I have from the NICU that actually has Caleigh looking into the camera. At this time, Caleigh was having complex partial seizures. We didn't know. So she was either crying, or sleeping. Same goes for my state of mind during that time.
When this picture was taken, Caleigh hadn't smiled, or made so much as a coo. She was so incredibly sick that the day to day task was surviving and planning on the next step to save her life. That's what our NICU journey was...a marathon to save Caleigh's life.
A couple of things led me to post this photograph of Caleigh. One being that I bought a wonderful frame for our living room and I started going through old photos to pick out which ones I wanted in it. Another reason for going through the old photos is that I've been asked to speak to a group of incoming NICU nurses and give them my perspective from a parent point of view. Along with that, I'm also doing a story board of sorts to hang in the NICU with Caleigh's journey and some photos.
Going back through the old photographs and thinking about our trek as a family of three has really stirred things up emotionally for me. From some of the first few days after Caleigh was born and seeing her belly button; imagining what her belly would look like now if she hadn't had 8 more surgeries. To looking back to each holiday that we missed out on. There's the photo of Santa visiting Caleigh while she was recovering from surgery. She was bloated, red and on an high frequency vent struggling to breathe. There are sweet pictures of Eric holding Caleigh and staring at her tiny face. Watching through the pictures the infamous "rollercoaster" that we were on every single day for 6 and a half months. In one photo Caleigh would look ok, wearing a cute outfit and snuggling on our chest and then the next photo would be her on a ventilator, no clothes, belly distended, red and hard. Looking back, took me back and quite honestly it's been hard.
I believe that I have taken the memories of that first year and stored them away in my mommy brain. Those bits of memory like to pop up when I am least expecting them. They don't even have the audacity to call ahead....
7 comments:
Oh my goodness...if she's isn't the cutest yellow baby I've ever seen!! No really, that is a darling picture of her. If you didn't mention that she was jaundiced, I would have never known. It just looks like she has a tan. I can't even imagine how difficult those times must have been on you. But how amazing it is to see her now!
I agree with Tera! That is a beautiful picture. I think you should definitely include the picture of her next to that tiny teddy bear (the one you have on the counter that I had to ask about!) because it definitely shows how far she's come!
Oh, and you are the perfect person to talk to the incoming NICU nurses! xoxoxoxo
That really is a cute picture of Caleigh!
My normal pregnancy ended with a traumatic birth and a 6-week NICU stay. The day after she was born, she was taken across town to another hospital. I had spent all of 10 minutes with my daughter at that point.
I still remember how I felt the first time I went to the NICU to see her. Still sore and tired myself. We couldn't hold her for the first few days because she was in isolation. So we could only touch her through gloved hands. How I ached to hold my baby!
We too have the pictures of Emily on a vent (with various other tubes and wires). I can also remember waiting for what seemed like forever for her to open her eyes (we didn't even know what color her eyes were) and for her to make any kind of sound. The first cry was glorious!
I think I spent 6 weeks in shock unable to process all that was going on. So I understand some of the emotion that you are talking about. What a wonderful opportunity to share your story! I have no doubt that those nurses will benefit greatly from hearing about your experience. Hopefully it will give them a fresh perspective on their jobs and the parents that they will see on a daily basis.
Your right, its so hard looking back at baby pics. I noticed her eyes first in this pic, Its so evident that she could see you. And the outfit is adorable, even if it was a fopa. :)
She looks so cute in yellow! It's bittersweet looking back at the those days. I think it's great that you are giving the incoming NICU nurses a parents perspective! They will probably learn so much from you.
Holly-
I am SO PROUD of YOU! You and ya'lls story will change those nurses FOR SURE! You will make them better nurses. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy life to do that...what a difference you will make! I would love to come and be there when you speak...if it's ok with you. I need to get to work on our story board too...never found the time while I was in school last semester, so need to get it done while I'm off. Hearing you talk about your walk down memory lane doesn't sound like the first thing I'd like to do right now though. Isn't it amazing what our little brains "forget" or try to "forget"...until you look at pictures or you're in certain situation and it all comes flooding back...it's all stored in there somewhere. Isn't it crazy that you probably couldn't recall very many things that were going on in the world during that time...it all revolved around our baby and we were fight or flight/crisis mode. Call or text me and let me know about your talk. I am SO IMPRESSED with Caleigh and her new Ipad skills! And impressed with the brain behind it all...Momma!
Love,
Stacey Danford
You know I think she's cute in ANY photo. I completely know what you mean. Going back to that time in my life is always hard on my heart.
Post a Comment